My Miscarriage Story - Part 1

This is my miscarriage story, but it starts many months before our baby passed away... I'm posting it as series in case someone just wants to read part.

Part 1 - Trying to Conceive
Part 2 - Pregnancy
Part 3 - The Decision- Natural or D&C
Part 4 - Limbo
Part 5 - The Process
Part 6 - The Burial and After (contains pictures of miscarried baby)
Part 1 Trying to Conceive

You can read about my struggles with fertility here. After Sierra was born, once again, I thought I was done having babies. Then something changed in my heart around January 2014. Sierra was potty trained and weaned and I started to feel that deep yearning. Up until that point we had been using natural family planning... and the occasional condom if we really weren't sure. It's kind of hard when your cycles are as sporadic as mine. You just learn to pay attention to your body. Not really reliable as form of birth control... but we were always open to an "oops".

Unfortunately when you have fertility issues what seemed to work for not getting pregnant... doesn't necessarily work for getting pregnant. Over a year went by and the next March my 38th birthday rolled around and I started to feel desperate. One element of NFP that I hadn't used before was charting my temperatures. I had thought about doing it when I was trying to conceive Ronan, but ended up getting pregnant before the start of my next cycle. I already had an account set up on http://www.fertilityfriend.com/. My next cycle this time started on April 17th. I also bought some ovulation predictor tests. Your body gives you some signs due do increased estrogen, so I could tell when to start taking the tests even-though I'm irregular. The tests will confirm that your body is gearing up by looking for a surge in hormones(LH), and when your window has passed, but can't confirm that you ovulated. That is where your temperature comes in. When using a sensitive thermometer, there is an obvious rise in your basal body temperature after ovulation from an increase in progesterone from the corpus luteum(the ruptured cyst that the egg was released from). Combining these things helps to get your timing right, but even then... you may not get pregnant. That cycle was 48 days and the next 80 long days. It was so frustrating because I knew that I was ovulating and timing it right. I had really gotten my hopes up because 10 days after I had ovulated I had some slight spotting and thought maybe it was a sign of implantation, but 3 days later I started.

It had been 4 months I decided I needed to take a break from all the charting. I couldn't keep myself from paying attention to the signals my body was giving me though. Again, about 10 days after I thought I had ovulated I had some spotting. I thought maybe this was just a new pattern for me, but by the 4th day with no period, I decided to take a pregnancy test.... it was positive!

I showed Summer the positive test first, then Scott, then the rest of the kids. I couldn't contain the good news. I messaged and called our family and closest friends. Then took an adorable picture to announce on facebook all on the 1st day we found out.

How and Why we do it!

Psalms 127 3-5

3 Lo, children are a heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. 4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. 5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

But Seriously, why so many?  This question has burned me for months now. It came from someone with zero kids! Why is it that others feel to judge someone elses life choices. I don't care how many or few kids someone else has. 

This is it, right? Again, why do you care... I don't ask for help from anyone, heck I turn down babysitting offers! Scott and I don't like waisting money on going out. We'd rather spend our weekends playing games and watching movies with our kids. We wouldn't keep having them if we didn't like spending time with them! A date once or twice a year is plenty and my mom can provide that.. She doesn't judge me. 

We never really discussed how many kids we wanted. Like I wrote about previously.. Drs told me I would probably be infertile. They said I have Polycystic Ovaries, high LH levels and low FSH levels. Although I'm not overweight, nor do I have diabetes, therefore I don't fit the bill for PCOS. I could probably count the number of periods I've had in my whole life. We decided then I would quit taking birth control... I was 18. Two years later, I got pregnant. I did not enjoy pregnancy or the birth, thought one was enough. 

Then I became a SAHM. Joshua was getting big, I got an itch. Just when we thought it wasn't going to... It happened again. Almost exactly two years after I gave birth to Joshua. Still no birth control. I discovered the joy of natural childbirth. 

We didn't have time to even think about it before Summer came along. At first I thought I wanted another right away. Then I changed my mind. Said I was done. Got an IUD. That lasted about 3-4 months. Then I changed my mind again!

This time it took 4 years. I knew I wanted just one more.  15 months later I got my wish. Again during the pregnancy I said, This is it, I'm done! Shortly after the birth I began to change my mind again. A year later, yes ,I'm pregnant AGAIN. 

So in answer to some of the questions (stole this off the Internet):

Yes, we know how it happens, and we enjoy it very much.

No, we are not Catholic or Amish.

If you think our hands are full, you should see our hearts!

So are we done? Today I say yes. The first half of this pregnancy was horrible. I don't think I can do it again. I've been trying to talk Scott into a vasectomy. He's chicken and doesn't want to. I'm NOT getting my tubes tied, nor will I use hormones to mess with my already messed up hormones. So as of right now, he's not touching me after this baby is born! I think he'll cave on the V. We have 8 chairs at our kitchen table and 8 seats in our van. When this baby starts kindergarden, Joshua will be starting college. I think we are complete!

But I couldn't imagine my life any other way. All seems right in our universe with God at it center. I don't feel overwhelmed. In fact, I was much more stressed when I only had three. We have a great routine, that runs smoothly. 

Eventhough we aren't at the peak of our income. We are probably better off financially that ever because we are living inside our means. We've paid off all of our credit cards. We got rid of our satellite bill. We cut our cell bill by $60 a month. We dont have a land line. We started cloth diapering. We haven't used paper plates in over a year. We pay our kids for good grades, make them save some longterm, then throughout the year, if they want something, they have to pay for it out of a shortterm savings... Even a school dance! Like I said earlier, we don't go out waisting money. We budget. They get a certain amount for their birthdays and a certain amount for Christmas. They have plenty, they don't want for anything. 

We don't do a lot of organized extra curricular activities. They like gymnastics and tumbling, so we have a trampoline, low bar, tumbling mats, and floor beam. Summer wanted to learn some ballet so she bought herself a tutu, some ballet shoes, and some instructional videos, she uses her gym bar. They have a guitar, keyboard, flutes, and harmonica. I went online and printed sheet music, with notes and guitar tabs. We learned a little together. They like to swim, so we've always had a pool. Except our 1st summer here. Once they can do school sponsored sports, if they want to join, that's fine. Joshua likes playing football on the playground but doesn't want to participate in organized games, that's fine too. 

So in answer to the last question everyone has: That's how we do it! As far as why: because we want to and we can; because God let's us!

Thank goodness I'm not fertile!

I've always had irregular periods. When I was 18 I went to the dr because I had been experiencing some pain. They did an ultrasound and some blood work. I came back in for my follow up and was told I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  I would probably be infertile. We weren't really ready to have kids yet but, being a young newlywed this news devastated me. We had only been married 6 months.  I decided to go off of birth control and put it in fates(Gods) hands. If I was going to have trouble getting pregnant, I didn't want to miss any opportunities. I wanted to be a mom someday more than anything. Two years went by. I maybe had 5 periods in that time. Scott and I started talking about other options for starting a family. I had been feeling like I was going to start for a couple of weeks.  My sister suggested I take a pregnancy test. I did and it was positive!

After Joshua was born, we again decided not to use any birth control. When his 2nd birthday started getting close, I began to think that getting pregnant the 1st time was a fluke.  Maybe I was going to need help this time. I made an appointment with an ob/gyn to discuss trying clomid. Again, I started feeling like I was having  prolonged PMS.  I decided to take a test... POSITIVE!!!

I had to call the drs office and change it from a consult to a prenatal visit.  I don't know what happened with Summer. I nursed Jacob for 4 months, then BAM! I was pregnant again!

No period or anything. In November of 2004 when Summer was 2 we decided to really start trying again. Unfortunately in January we had some major family issues so we pushed off going to the dr. Although we still weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant. January of 2006 I took my first round of clomid. We did 3 rounds with no luck. My dr then sent me to a fertility specialist. We did 3 more rounds. The dosage on the last one really messed with me. I had visual disturbances and all kinds of weird side effects. Not to mention the mood swings and hot flashes. Between the stress of it all and the meds me and Scott almost didn't make it. I felt like no one understood. That because I already had 3 kids, I should be happy and it shouldn't bother me if I couldn't have another. After all there were people out there who didn't, couldn't have any. I felt a little selfish in a way. But at the same time there was this drive in me that said I wasn't done yet. If a pro sports player gets injured and can't play anymore, should he be any less devastated because he got to play for a while? But he wasn't ready to retire! That's the best way I can describe it. In August Scott and I really started having problems. But lucky for me my hubby loves me very much and did everything to make it work. I'll have to admit I had thrown in the towel. There were other factors other than my fertility issues. I think that just made things worse. Made me emotionally unstable. It ended up being a good thing. We laid everything out on the table and have been closer every since. By the end of the year we had ironed out all the wrinkles... More on that later.  I went to the dr in January. He decided to do a laparoscopy to see if there were any physical reasons I wasn't getting pregnant. I had a blood pregnancy test on Tuesday and surgery on Friday. Everything looked fine. In February I found out I was pregnant again!

God knew when we were ready... When we had just started this new chapter in our marriage.  I was actually about 4 weeks when i had the surgery. The egg must have implanted between Tuesday and Friday. God is good. I nursed Ronan for eleven months. I still didn't feel like I was done. There are 5 years between him and Summer and I wanted just one more so that he could have a sibling close in age. Or at least that's the excuse I tell myself. In October I started feeling like maybe I was getting another kidney stone so I went to my urologist and got a CT scan. He said it looked like my uterus might be a little enlarged and that I may have an ovarian cyst. So I went to my gyno and got an ultrasound. Other than my polycystic ovaries that we already knew about everything looked fine once again. I still hadn't had a period since Ronan was born so he went ahead and gave me something to make me start. We also talked about me getting pregnant again. He said that if i wanted to we could try clomid again. I was torn because if we were going to have another i wanted it to happen soon before the age gap got too big. It was November 12th when I finally started. I was suppose to go back to the dr in December for my annual but couldn't make up my mind about the clomid so I canceled. I didn't think I could go through that again. Clomid is hell! New years eve I had some cramping on my left side and then on new years day I had some spotting. I thought I was starting but when there was nothing the next day I thought maybe I had ovulated and of course Scott and I had rang in the new year! I went to Bunco Friday night and had a couple of beers( oops)! That night I had a dream about taking a test but the stick didn't work. I didn't think too much about it and went to Louisville Saturday. On the way home Sunday I was cramping a little and rubbed my belly. I was pretty sure I could feel a little bump. (I found out the same way with Summer) I came home and went straight to the bathroom. I always have tests around. Scott was giving Ronan a bath in our bathroom so I grabbed a test off the shelf and told Scott I was going to take it. It immediately came up positive!

Raiden was born 10 days before Ronans 2nd birthday.  He nursed for 12 1/2 months. We thought at first he'd be our last but had started thinking about another. My niece had relapsed with Leukemia in January so it really didn't seem like a good time. Of course we still weren't preventing.  Between losing one niece in 96, the events of 05, and her illness, I had seriously started doubting God. My SILs  faith remained strong though. Through her caring bridge posts and conversations, my own faith was restored. My niece passed in July but I did not question His wisdom.  Three days later, my aunt passed.. I still didn't waiver.  I was having some cramping on August 27th. I took a test but it was negative.  Raiden quit nursing on his own September 1st.  On labor day Joshua made a comment about me looking poochy... I thought either I'm about to start.... Which I hadn't since Raidens birth, or I am pregnant. That evening, after we got home from a cookout, I took another test. Our sixth blessing is on it's way! I'm due May 18.

Mark 10:27 (NIV)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."