Part 1 - Trying to Conceive
Part 2 - Pregnancy
Part 3 - The Decision- Natural or D&C
Part 4 - Limbo
Part 5 - The Process
Part 6 - The Burial and After (contains pictures of miscarried baby)
Part 4 - Limbo
On the way home we stopped and picked up a few things. My midwife had suggested emergen-C and I got an extra iron supplement and some heavy duty pads. I hadn't eaten much red meat in the past few years, but anything to boost my iron and blood count would be a plus, so we stopped and got burgers and I started loading my body with extra water.
I won't say waiting was easy. I felt like I was on pause, but I also welcomed the opportunity to prepare. I started combing the internet for stories and advice. The next day I picked up some motherwort, evening primrose, and raspberry leaf tea to help my body prepare for what was coming. I bought a plastic shower curtain and an extra sheet to protect our mattress and some extra towels. Actually, it was everything I would have done to prepare for any homebirth. I took the kids to the park for a little hike. It was fittingly gloomy. As if nature was sad too. Just as we were leaving the clouds released their tears. I took everyone but Summer home. We went and ate a steak dinner with spinach and brocolli and potatoes... iron, iron, and more iron.
I told a few people, my sister, my closest friends, and my church family. I wanted their prayers and support, but I didn't want to tell too many people until it was over. I also reached out to a friend from co-op, Bethany. We met when we first started homeschooling. Her and her family had moved to Florida a few years ago. Back in April she had lost her baby at around 4 months. She was very outspoken about breaking the silence of grief for pregnancy loss.
My dear sweet friend Annie brought me my favorite no bake cookies the next morning. Bethany had just recently moved back, so we met at the park Thursday afternoon for the kids to play and us to visit. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who could truly get it, who understood what I was going through and why I had made the choice I did. She even offered to be there when it was time if I needed her to be. I praise Jesus for the loving people He has placed in my life to encourage me in such a dark time. My mom and my sister already had plans this week to have lunch with my niece here in Lexington that day, so I met with them at Cracker Barrel. My evenings were spent researching.
I woke up early the next morning, about 5. I can't remember exactly what my dream was about, but I knew it was about Bethany and her baby she had lost, Blue. In the back ground of my dream part of the George Straight song, Baby Blue, was playing... "like a breath of spring you came and left, but I just don't know why..." I decided to look up songs that were about miscarriage. I found a lot of good ones. Some were about pregnancy loss, some infant, and some child. I had cried nearly every day since I found out my baby was gone, but I had been holding back. This time, reading through the words of those songs, I let go. I felt all the raw emotion going through me. That afternoon Summer and I went shopping for more herbs... I got black and blue cohosh, yarrow, and women's moon cycle tea. I could tell the herbs I had been taking were helping. I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions and the primrose should have been softening my cervix. The cohoshes were suppose to help strengthen those and ripen my cervix even more. I also picked up pads for the bed... the medical supply store had been closed when I had tried to pick them up before.
Again Saturday I awoke in the wee hours of the morning. I knew the Lord must have something else for me. I found a great Christian website that has a collection of stories and photos and practical advice. It was then that I knew the Baby Dani would have a purpose. At the very least I would share my story to help other women going through the same thing. I also hope that through this I would be able to show others the humanity of the unborn, even if only to my own children, but hopefully more. "A person's a person, no matter small." -Dr. Seuss
I wanted to keep myself moving, so that afternoon Summer and I went to the grocery store to shop for Thanksgiving. We were originally going to go see Scott's grandma in Maryland. We debated, depending on when it happened, going to my parents house, but I just didn't think I would want to get out so soon. This whole week I had chosen not to go to all the places I normally go to. I didn't want to be around a lot of people who knew I was pregnant, even people who knew what was happening... I didn't want to do crowds. I have a big family though, and did have company, and was getting out, so I wasn't being a recluse. Just dealing in my own way. Someone else may choose to try to keep things as normal as possible. Only thinking about the impending miscarriage may drive someone else crazy, but it was therapeutic for me.
Sunday I decided to take a break though. I had been gradually increasing the herbs and I was tired of finding excuses to walk. I just needed to rest my mind and body. I had prepare as much physically, emotionally, and spiritually as I possibly could. It was in God's hand now. Summer and I stayed in the bed and watched movies and TV all day.
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