Friday, April 22, 2016

Here we grow again!

After we lost Dani, as soon as I got a negative pregnancy test, I started charting my cycles again. There is no right time to get pregnant after a miscarriage. Something will always be wrong. Some people like to wait 1 cycle, some 3(especially if they had a d&c), some after their due date, some after the anniversary of their loss. The fact will always remain though, that it will forever be wrong. The order of our kids are all messed up. If your miscarriage was your first pregnancy, next time around everyone who doesn't know will ask if this is your first. After they're born people will say, "Do you just have the one?" I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My last announcement said, "Seventh Wonder of the Fertig Family... Coming June 2016" What do I say now? Can I say baby #8 is on the way? I can say I have 6 kids on earth, 1 I'll meet in heaven, and 1 on the way. That's a mouthful. Later it'll be a little easier. 7 on earth, 1 I'll meet in heaven. We will be a family of 9 though, when it feels like it should be 10, on paper... It will feel wrong. I've pondered the idea that everything that happens for a reason. That it's all part of Gods master plan, but it's not. He doesn't want us to suffer. He'd love for everything to be perfect, and it will be someday. The fact is, in order for us to love, we had to start out with free will, which brought sin into the world, which brought suffering. He mourns with us. His master plan was to send Jesus Christ to saves us from eternal separation. So we can experience His perfectness someday. His plan for us on earth is that we will use our suffering.
Romans 5New International Version (NIV)
Peace and Hope
5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith,we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hopeof the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

No matter what I say, there will be that twinge in my heart for Dani. It's something I'll carry until we meet in heaven. I didn't want to wait to start trying for another baby. I will never "get over the loss". Trying gave me something else to focus on, so I didn't get swallowed in my grief. I'm no spring chicken and I felt time was running out and my cycles are crazy.

My 1st cycle was 53 days and my second was 59. Each time I started was a kick in the gut. A painful, both physically and emotionally, reminder that where life should be, there was none. I didn't have my Dani and I wasn't getting a new baby in 7-8 months. This cycle was a little different, shorter. I ovulated on day 23 and my luteal phase it usually on 12 days, so it was setting up for a 35 day cycle... Almost normal. I had a lot of acne, so hormones were high. I was afraid we had missed it because I hadn't started taking my predictor tests yet, but I saw my temperature shift. It had been almost 3 days since.... You know :) A week went by and on day 7 past ovulation(dpo) I got anxious and took a pregnancy test that is suppose to detect 6 days before your expected period. It was negative, and so it was the next day, and the next 2 days, or so I thought. I had gotten my hopes up the 1st cycle, I was pretty sure we missed it the 2nd one and was right. I even missed when I ovulated that time, but in back tracking, I thought we had missed it by 3 days, just like this time. I just really expected to be negative again. So I was just going through the motions. It was first thing in the morning, I didn't even put my glasses on. As soon as I would see the control line I assumed I was right again and toss them back in the wrapper and back in the cabinet. A friend of mine had thrown her test in the trash once, right before I came over. She thought it was negative, but I pulled it out and it was a faint positive, so I never pitch them. I hadn't used this brand with my other pregnancies. I'd always used generic ones and I guess I was far enough along that you didn't have to wait the 2-3 minutes.

After the 4th test I gave up. I ran out and wasn't going to buy anymore. I figured I'd start by Tuesday. But I didn't. I was having a hard time going to sleep and started thinking that maybe I just tested too early. Then I started thinking about the ones I had already taken. I decided to go check them again... At 1:30 in the morning. Two of them were positive. I didn't think I was EVER going to get back to sleep. Scott was leaving for Detroit in the morning and I didn't want him to leave without telling him, so even after I did go to sleep it wasn't restful. The emotions ran the gambit. From disbelief, to not wanting to get my hopes up, to excitement, to guilt. I thought... What if it IS too soon. Am I dishonoring Dani by not waiting until the due date. But the way I see it due dates are arbitrary. None of my kids were born on their due dates. Dani died in my womb and was born November 24th 2015. Waiting wasn't going to change that. I honor Dani's memory continually. That is the rational thought. But I kept thinking, "I'm so sorry Dani".

The next day I told a few people who are close to me. I am so blessed to have different people to understand the different aspects of where I am and can support me uniquely. The tears came and I let them. I have learned to take grief like the tide. Let it well up and wash over you, then let it recede. I had read that sometimes after a few days, you can get evaporation lines on a pregnancy test that some people can mistake for a positive. I went to the store for more tests. I couldn't wait until the next morning, so I just waited until I needed to pee. It took a minute or so, but a faint second line started to appear. Still in denial, the next morning I pee'd on yet another stick hoping for a bright neon line. I'm definitely pregnant.

The next question is do I wait to tell people. I knew from the time I started trying that I would not wait the customary 12 weeks "just in case". I am trying to be a little bit cautious. I have read that early pregnancies can turn out to be chemical pregnancies where an egg is fertilized but doesn't implant and start to develop. Then there are cases of blighted ovums where it implants, the gestational sac and the placenta develop, but no embryo. These are still losses, but I look at these a little different, especially when it come to explaining to my little kids. I want to know there is a baby developing before I tell them I'm pregnant. I don't want an early ultrasound, so I am hoping that my midwife will agree to check my hcg levels every few days or so. That away I can see if it is progressing as it should. Then I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and celebrate the life within. Right now... I am cautiously optimistic.

I waited for my blood test to post this. My HCG was 173 on Thursday. I thought I was 15 dpo then but the range for then is 17-147 with an average of 59. I must have ovulated the day before, just after I took my temperature. My 1st positive would have been on 8 dpo... Which I think is the earliest it can be detected. That puts my due date at December 27th. My progesterone level was REALLY good. Anything above 10 is good and mine was 23, so they said there is not reason to redraw. I'm excited to start this new journey, come what may.