Wednesday, November 25, 2015

My Miscarriage Story - Part 3

This is my miscarriage story, but it starts many months before our baby passed away... I'm posting it as series in case someone just wants to read part.

Part 1 - Trying to Conceive
Part 2 - Pregnancy
Part 3 - The Decision- Natural or D&C
Part 4 - Limbo
Part 5 - The Process
Part 6 - The Burial and After (contains pictures of miscarried baby)

Part 3 - The Decision - Natural or D&C

My midwife and I went over my history a little, I was anxious to get to the doppler though. A few times we heard some beats, put I could tell it was me. She went and got a handheld ultrasound. The resolution is low, but there was definitely a baby there... and definitely no movement or flutter of a little heart. We then moved into the 2D ultrasound room. The baby measured 10.3 weeks, so 3.8 cm or about an inch and a half. The printer on that machine wasn't working, so we went to the 3D ultrasound room. She got one of the doctors to come in and confirm what we already knew... our baby had passed away. Then comes the decision.

My choices were to go home and let nature take its course or schedule a d&c. It was a no brainer for me, but I listened as the medically managed minded doctor tried to convince me to have the procedure. She wanted me to go home and process what had happened and then come back in on Thursday or Friday. I appreciate that that may be the right choice for some women. For some, the idea of not knowing when it will happen, or the knowledge that they're walking around pregnant with their baby that has already passed, is too much to bear. They may have wanted medically managed birth for their baby to start with. It may be their way of maintaining control of the situation. That is okay.... but that is not me. She advised me that they don't recommend that you have a natural miscarriage after the baby is 2.5 centimeters. That it would be like labor, but with a lot of bleeding, and that I may find it traumatic. That she would hate for it to happen on Thanksgiving... but I couldn't have cared less about turkey in that moment. I could tell my midwife was biting her tongue, so I just politely and waited for her to finish. Not once it she say I would be putting my life in danger by choosing to just go home, so my mind was made up. When she was done my midwife said we should go back to the exam room and talk.

She told me, without me having to say a word, that she thought she knew where my heart was and why I wanted to do it. That not only did I need my mind to process it, but I wanted my body to, and that I wanted to see my baby and say goodbye. She was right. She told me that ideally, I would start cramping and bleeding, then contractions would start and build up like labor. I would release the baby still in the amniotic sac, followed by the placenta, and then my uterus would be able to clamp down and slow the bleeding. That there would be probably be a lot of bleeding and that I may feel faint... to try to remain lying down.  I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated her understanding and support. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was that I was going going through this... I pray I get to have her as my midwife again some day.

We made an appointment for the next Tuesday, in hopes it would be over by then, for another ultrasound to insure everything passed. I had the nurse get mom and the girls and broke the news. Then we went home.

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