Ever Evolving Eve: natural miscarriage

Showing posts with label natural miscarriage. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

My Miscarriage Story - Part 5

This is my miscarriage story, but it starts many months before our baby passed away... I'm posting it as series in case someone just wants to read part.

Part 1 - Trying to Conceive
Part 2 - Pregnancy
Part 3 - The Decision- Natural or D&C
Part 4 - Limbo
Part 5 - The Process
Part 6 - The Burial and After (contains pictures of miscarried baby)

Part 5 - The Process

Monday at about 3:30 I started cramping and spotting more steadily. After a while I got Scott to watch a movie with the kids while I spent some time alone, coming to terms with it soon being over. I decided go to bed and try to rest up at about 11. I woke up at 4:30 having inconsistent contractions, more than a Braxton Hicks, but still not too intense. I fell back to sleep after about and hour and woke back up at 7 with the same thing. I was suppose to go in for my ultrasound at 11:30. At 9 or so, I texted my midwife, told her what was going on and asked if she thought I should still come in. She asked if this was a labor pattern for me. I told her that by the time I know for sure I'm in labor, I progress pretty quick.

With Jacob through Raiden, by the time I got to the hospital it took less than 2 hours. Then with Sierra I had a 19 minute precipitous labor after 2 days of what just felt like pre labor. You see, I don't have typical labor and deliveries, so I really didn't expect my miscarriage to be typical either. I mean I was prepare for a lot of pain and a lot of blood, but I didn't think I would have either. I read other people having not horrific ones, but it's important to know that just like any other kind of birth... They run the gambit. No two, pregnancies, labors, births, or miscarriages are the same.

Because I was afraid of getting out and it hitting hard and fast, and since Frankfort is 45 minutes away, we decided it was best I stay home. I got up and started about my day... I started to think it was stalling, but I knew my body was ready. I took a dose of my tinctures to try to keep things going at about 10. We watched the movie that Scott had watched with the kids the evening before.

Just as the movie ended, at 11:30, I felt a little contraction, and a little pop. My water had broke. My baby wasn't going to be born in the caul(sac). I didn't tell anyone. I told Scott I was going to take a bath. I needed to be alone. I got in the tub and tried to relax and let it happen.. During the contractions I would bleed a little, but it would stop in between. I'm not sure how many I had, but they still weren't painful.

After an hour, I thought maybe I needed to get out of the water for them to get stronger. I started to drain the tub and dry my upper body. As I started to get up felt something coming out. I guess the contractions were more effective that I thought. I stopped the drain, sat back down and inspected what I passed. It was just a large clot, but as I was cleaning up the smaller ones from the water... I saw the tiny little body. I had a bowl with water in it, ready on the edge of the tub. I scooped him up and placed him in. I will be saying him, for lack of a better pronoun. I don't want to call my baby an it. In the pictures that I took, the baby appears to be a boy, but after researching, I found out that both sexes appear that way at this stage.

I got out of the tub and moved to the bed. This is where I had my strongest one or two contractions. Not as bad as transition labor, but probably about like the after pains I experienced with Summer when they gave me pitocin to help stop my bleeding. The placenta was the biggest part though, so that's probably why. It took about 35-40 more minutes. By 1:15 it was over. My bleeding afterwards was very minimal. The cramping was comparable to regular after pains, but this time I didn't have a baby in my arms to distract from it. One to nurse and release all those feel good hormones. Just my sadness.

My Miscarriage Story - Part 4

I told a few people, my sister, my closest friends, and my church family. I wanted their prayers and support, but I didn't want to tell too many people until it was over. I also reached out to a friend from co-op, Bethany. We met when we first started homeschooling. Her and her family had moved to Florida a few years ago. Back in April she had lost her baby at around 4 months. She was very outspoken about breaking the silence of grief for pregnancy loss.

My dear sweet friend Annie brought me my favorite no bake cookies the next morning. Bethany had just recently moved back, so we met at the park Thursday afternoon for the kids to play and us to visit. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who could truly get it, who understood what I was going through and why I had made the choice I did. She even offered to be there when it was time if I needed her to be. I praise Jesus for the loving people He has placed in my life to encourage me in such a dark time. My mom and my sister already had plans this week to have lunch with my niece here in Lexington that day, so I met with them at Cracker Barrel. My evenings were spent researching.

I woke up early the next morning, about 5. I can't remember exactly what my dream was about, but I knew it was about Bethany and her baby she had lost, Blue. In the back ground of my dream part of the George Straight song, Baby Blue, was playing... "like a breath of spring you came and left, but I just don't know why..." I decided to look up songs that were about miscarriage. I found a lot of good ones. Some were about pregnancy loss, some infant, and some child. I had cried nearly every day since I found out my baby was gone, but I had been holding back. This time, reading through the words of those songs, I let go. I felt all the raw emotion going through me. That afternoon Summer and I went shopping for more herbs... I got black and blue cohosh, yarrow, and women's moon cycle tea. I could tell the herbs I had been taking were helping. I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions and the primrose should have been softening my cervix. The cohoshes were suppose to help strengthen those and ripen my cervix even more. I also picked up pads for the bed... the medical supply store had been closed when I had tried to pick them up before.

Again Saturday I awoke in the wee hours of the morning. I knew the Lord must have something else for me. I found a great Christian website that has a collection of stories and photos and practical advice. It was then that I knew the Baby Dani would have a purpose. At the very least I would share my story to help other women going through the same thing. I also hope that through this I would be able to show others the humanity of the unborn, even if only to my own children, but hopefully more. "A person's a person, no matter small." -Dr. Seuss

I wanted to keep myself moving, so that afternoon Summer and I went to the grocery store to shop for Thanksgiving. We were originally going to go see Scott's grandma in Maryland. We debated, depending on when it happened, going to my parents house, but I just didn't think I would want to get out so soon. This whole week I had chosen not to go to all the places I normally go to. I didn't want to be around a lot of people who knew I was pregnant, even people who knew what was happening... I didn't want to do crowds. I have a big family though, and did have company, and was getting out, so I wasn't being a recluse. Just dealing in my own way. Someone else may choose to try to keep things as normal as possible. Only thinking about the impending miscarriage may drive someone else crazy, but it was therapeutic for me.

Sunday I decided to take a break though. I had been gradually increasing the herbs and I was tired of finding excuses to walk. I just needed to rest my mind and body. I had prepare as much physically, emotionally, and spiritually as I possibly could. It was in God's hand now. Summer and I stayed in the bed and watched movies and TV all day.

My Miscarriage Story - Part 3

My choices were to go home and let nature take its course or schedule a d&c. It was a no brainer for me, but I listened as the medically managed minded doctor tried to convince me to have the procedure. She wanted me to go home and process what had happened and then come back in on Thursday or Friday. I appreciate that that may be the right choice for some women. For some, the idea of not knowing when it will happen, or the knowledge that they're walking around pregnant with their baby that has already passed, is too much to bear. They may have wanted medically managed birth for their baby to start with. It may be their way of maintaining control of the situation. That is okay.... but that is not me. She advised me that they don't recommend that you have a natural miscarriage after the baby is 2.5 centimeters. That it would be like labor, but with a lot of bleeding, and that I may find it traumatic. That she would hate for it to happen on Thanksgiving... but I couldn't have cared less about turkey in that moment. I could tell my midwife was biting her tongue, so I just politely and waited for her to finish. Not once it she say I would be putting my life in danger by choosing to just go home, so my mind was made up. When she was done my midwife said we should go back to the exam room and talk.

She told me, without me having to say a word, that she thought she knew where my heart was and why I wanted to do it. That not only did I need my mind to process it, but I wanted my body to, and that I wanted to see my baby and say goodbye. She was right. She told me that ideally, I would start cramping and bleeding, then contractions would start and build up like labor. I would release the baby still in the amniotic sac, followed by the placenta, and then my uterus would be able to clamp down and slow the bleeding. That there would be probably be a lot of bleeding and that I may feel faint... to try to remain lying down. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated her understanding and support. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was that I was going going through this... I pray I get to have her as my midwife again some day.

We made an appointment for the next Tuesday, in hopes it would be over by then, for another ultrasound to insure everything passed. I had the nurse get mom and the girls and broke the news. Then we went home.